I'll Wait For You
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Last week in February's Book Corner I talked about how I read the book The Wait by DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good. This book couldn't have came at a better time as I was struggling with the decision of becoming celibate and waiting for marriage.

Okay so here's where I get really transparent.

Just as a back story, many don't know, but I have the word "LOVE" tattooed on my inner ring finger on my left hand. If you do know this, you may not be aware of the meaning or purpose behind it. My best friend at the time, Ada,  and I decided to get this same tattoo back in 2010. Almost 6 years ago. So what does it mean?

Well, love is my favorite action and favorite word. First defined by my Lord Jesus Christ who died for my sins. The amount of his unconditional love is immeasurable and every time I think about the fact that it is unfailing it brings me close to tears. Also I was finally able to get over my extreme fear of falling in love again, so with that I also desire that my future husband will love me as Christ loved the church. [Ephesians 5:25]

The other part was that I wanted to save myself for him. No, I wasn't a virgin but I wanted to commit to being abstinent until I met him. Only problem is I didn't make a firm decision about it. I always said, "when I get engaged" and then that turned into "a longterm committed relationship". This was a major issue. Because of the fact that I didn't make that firm decision, when I was put in a compromising situation with someone I cared about, I ultimately gave in. Broke my "vow". But did I really break it? What exact vow did I make to begin with?  I mean I didn't initiate it and I didn't give in right away so it makes it okay, right? And it's not like I told my guy about it. So who did I have to blame?!

Another issue I faced was thinking about the fact that lack of sexual compatibility was in the top 3 leading causes of divorce. What if my husband and I weren't compatible? So I need to test it out right?

Or what guy is going to go without sex? Will my decision result in me getting cheated on throughout our courtship?

However, even in the midst of my mistakes I couldn't help but feel convicted EVERY time.

I even found myself being abstinent for over a year only to fall right back down. I would stare at my ring finger like what am I doing? I would then literally hear God tell me that he can't reveal my husband/HIS Best for me until I get it together. That guy isn't your husband. Somethings gotta give.

Fast forward to this very moment right now. In the midst of struggling with the decision to become celibate, because obviously what I was doing wasn't working, one of my best friend's tagged me in a video DeVon had posted on his IG promoting his and Meagan's book, The Wait. We both decided to pick it up and read it in our newly formed book club where we would later discuss it.

Meagan's story especially resonated with me because it was like she was speaking my life. From wanting to change and do something different, to wanting to get on top of her life, to working on herself. Even so much to how she would mess up and feel down on herself. This was so me.

The book was ultimately the push I needed to make a definite decision to remain celibate until my wedding night. And as for the sex and the whole cheating ordeal? One night during my quiet time I heard God say to me, "You trust me in every other area of your life, why don't you trust me with this? I got you. If he's not with it then pshh he ain't your husband. Weed out the clowns." These are the kind of conversations Him and I have haha.

Sex isn't meant to be a bad thing but with the wrong person it can be toxic. Soul ties are real. If you exchange spirits with someone, you begin letting things slide, it clouds your judgment, you start to get this fantasy that maybe you guys are meant to be together and then it ultimately results in what my friends and I refer to as, CGS [Crazy Girl Status].

I want to go in with a clear mind and really get to know someone on a deeper level with sex off the table. That way I know we're both serious about dating with a purpose.

Aside from that, and most importantly, I want to put God first in every area of my life.

So here I am *Long Exhale* saying it to the world. I am making a commitment to honor God with my life and my body, and to remain celibate until my wedding night. For real this time. I know it will be hard whew. But I know I can do it. By making that declaration it makes it real. No safety net in case I backslide. All in.

With that said, I'll close with an excerpt from my journal:

"...Retracing my tattoo and saying out loud that I will wait for you. Where ever you are I know that you're praying for me because I am for you. Not that I find you right now, but that you're out there being amazing, making your dreams come true, and becoming the man God has designed you to be. The times where you may feel alone, or that no one is rooting of you, know that I am. I'll wait for you if you wait for me."

Be awesomely amazing,

xo vanessa.michele

Vanessa.Michele | Christian. Writer. Content Creator. Giver of Love. Collector of Quotes. Yoga Enthusiast. Forensic Scientist by day. Welcome to my life!

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